gee it's been a REALLY long time since i posted anything on here... i haven't been in school for what, 2 years now?

anyways. we're having a really tough time of it on this end, since griffin got taken away. i guess it's okay having to do all the counseling and stuff, i'm just hoping that i can get a psychiactric evaluation so that i can be properly diagnosed as to just what exactly my problem is and get on the right medication to treat the crap. maybe somewhere along the way i can work on some of my self-esteem issues and stuff like that.

at the moment, i'm really confused. i've kinda been considering letting my parents have permanent custody of griffin (like adoption). i just don't know if i'm ready to be a parent, i know i wasn't ready to get pregnant. i kinda think that it would be better for griffin to be with people who can properly take care of him without all the emotional and maturity problems that i have to get in their way.

it's not at all that i don't love him or miss him... i'm just really scared and a lot confused. in fact, there are some times that i just sit and cry for hours because i can't play with him on the floor or hold him in my arms while he sleeps (excuse me while i control my tears) i just wish i knew what to do. but until i make that decision, i will continue to play the trained monkey and jump through all the legal loops. maybe one of these days my mommy switch will finally flip to the "on" position and all this can just go away... wishful thinking.